Are you my Mr Big???

Firstly happy new year to u all!!!!!!!! i hope your night was full of random drinks, random hook ups and random shoes at the end of the night...

The new year is meant to be a fresh start, an excuse to finally get rid of the baggage you've been to scared to in the last year. Its meant to close the door on unfinished business and put the faith into you that this year things will be better...
New years eve started out as usual...had to work till 9:30 which sucked but soon after had my gorgeous LittleBlackDress on and was heading into the city with my army mates....
Ending up at the bay for midnight and waiting an obscene amount of time to get into Pier to see DeliHunni, the night finally began to liven up!
BustAMove was across the lobby at SolBar so he came to join us for a while....
Do all relationships die hard? Or is it only a certain few that have taken that secret part of us we didnt even know we had? Why is it he is still the only man who can steal my breath by just walking in the room...

Did i fall for him alot harder than i thought i did???

I see him at work and thats fine, i see him sunday nights and by habit i just want to put my hand on his leg or give him a little kiss when he takes a good shot, but i have to pull myself back everytime. I saw him last night and I couldnt do it. Everything from the past 6 months had come rushing back to me in the span of about 5 seconds, it almost stung. No it wasnt the alcohol talkin at the time as i had only had one so far.
He fits so right to me it makes me sick inside. It makes me wonder, in order to have such intense feelings one way, must it not be returned in some way? Or am i just another sad case of the obsessed ex?
It didnt end because the feelings werent there. It ended because the feelings WERE there and that would inevitably spell disaster. So is it a case of BustAMove really being my Mr Big?(if your not a sex & the city viewer, that will not make sense)
Someone that is so right for me yet so bad for me at the same time. Someone that doesnt treat me the best yet i cant get enough of him? The man that fits into my mould but is the wrong flavour. The man I would drop any relationship for. The one that is in the right place and the 'never can be' time...
The one thing that probably shouldnt have taken place but wouldnt change if i could go back was the kiss.... yes to ensure these thoughts even more there was an almost 'for old times sake' kiss, that could only be justified last night as it was NYE. Its what i missed most really, the closeness. The touch that feels SO right that its almost as if you were born to just touch them.
On the way home, as drunk as i may have been, i cried.... Yes.....I know......MIC has finally cried over a man... Even today in my sober state, my eyes were stil welling....
This is once the girl who was not one for commitment, who would rather see men, have fun and not be tied down by someone that i would probably be sick of in a months time. Someone who was once notoriously single for nearly 2 years in which time was sadly set up that many times by her friends with guys that all fell short of the plank. Yes i guess you could say i was somewhat of a player, but it goes to show that a player is still out there looking for someone like the rest of you. Difference is they choose to have their fun along the way. But you can turn them, when they've been hit by someone thats it, they will suddenly become the Saint Mary. I know what your saying, thats not true my boyfriend was a player and he really loved me but still cheated cause he couldnt change his ways. Im sorry but sadly you werent the one to hit him. You had the potential, dont get me wrong, but you didnt make his head spin enough so that it sat straight again. I am now living proof.
Before BustAMove, i would date guys, but would never stop looking. Once he came into the picture, i didnt notice whether it was a male walking past or a donkey. I wanted nothing but him, if something happened in my day i wanted to run to him before DaWogs (big ask), if i was doing anything, i would want to do it with him.

But...

He was bad for me from the beginning and always will be, it hurts and tears me apart every day and i do cry, I still will a few more times i imagine but i never regret anything that has happened in the past 6 months. I know there is something in him too when i look at him but i will never really know what it is, and I prefer it to stay that way. If i knew either way it would kill me more. Do people create a bubble in order to distort their own reality? Always. Denial is the easiest way to accept.
Nothing has proved to me more than last night, that I have never loved a man that much and can only pray that someday someone kills me like that again.