So here we are, we are alone....There's weight on ur mind, and i wanna know..
Ok. So this is my attempt to break it down, or cope really.
Most of the time u read of my life's sexual escapades, or the 'Melrose Place' dramas of the people around me. But this is taking courage to admit publicly....My life has spiralled at the speed of a Sonic Boom.
To all that know me, I still am the peachy, always smiling MIC....but....my life is a series of questioning occurances, questioning as in i question if i still hold on to my own sanity. I've thought over whether i should bother posting this, as to most readers the impact will not be as severe and will seem more like a whinging woman experiencing her monthlies.....ewwww and no.
So i hope that someone reading will realise what i am going to spill is a major part of my life and thus preoccupying most of the vacant space in my mind.
My family life is well. Disfunctional. HA! Beyond that point.
My mother suffers from multiple mental illnesses. What a cliche of the 90's.
The fastest growing disease these days and yet has the stigma attached to it that it is not really an illness more a choice and state of mind. Do you think i haven't had this opinion myself?
Sadly its not the case, parts of me wish it was. Its very real, and i experience it everyday of my life, see it, feel it, taste it, dream it. I cant escape the fact that my mother is no longer the mother in my head and memories, and that i have to witness her downfall and abuse with every breath.
Whatever i may say, she is still my mother and i love her dearly and would not trade her for the world.
But its killing me inside.
I know that there's help out there for people like her. But we have tried. Everything. Until she admits that she is sick there is not much we can do because she can shut it off when she pleases.
My good memories of my mother lie before i was about 6 yrs old, and at that there's only a few as i was so young. Majority of events that run through my mind are like a nightmare.
For my youth i was taught to keep my mouth shut to save her having an episode, which is what i did for so many years, this would probably account for why i chose to reserve my opinions alot of the time, especially in situations when i shouldn't.
This continued until the abuse became detrimental to myself and my father, the dearest person in my life. As i hit 17 the pain was too much and i started to voice myself....in a way an attempt to almost snap it out of her.
Im now 19 and a half and the continous struggle has not ended. It has become progressively worse to what was an episode every few months has turned into one every couple of weeks. And they have become more damaging, hurtful and unforgiveable with each one. I have always been a strong person, that has often been the shoulder to cry on, and always smiled her way through a tragedy.... But i no longer smile. It's almost like im screaming and bleeding a mime that no one can see.
So this is my attempt to somewhat spill the feelings out so that a few may understand my hurt without me revealing it to the whole world. You will not see me cry, you wont see me fall, I will smile and joke with you in the style that is MIC..... always.
My final attempt to escape my nightmare and start my life over right and build on the pre born maturity and strength i have learnt to possess is to start it on my own. With the company and support of DeliHunni and Jetpilot.
Most will say i am running away from my problems. But this is not that case, my problems will never cease and this is simply a chance to rehabilitate myself and start it on my own.
This is a small insight into what has been my teenage life, the blood, the glass, the alcohol i have seen is something i never wish upon anybody. I hold back on detail simply for the fact it is too painful.
My eternal gratitude goes out to DeliHunni and Jetpilot for being 2 people that have cared so much and listened so long to my pain....i can never repay them for the support they have given to me because they will never know just quite how much it meant to me.
My love also goes to my 'adopted mother' who always has a humble insight and has been a source of comfort on numerous occasions and my two friends OMGThatSmile and DaGreekGoddess who's unconditional love and support has often been the light at the end of the tunnel for me.
THANK YOU. YOU ALL WILL NEVER KNOW....